Hmph!

Back when I was hot and a size 6 we went to the Knoxville sprint cars races. As we were climbing the stairs to get to a top row of seats a guy two seats from the aisle acted like he was stretching and touched my ass. It pissed me off that when I told my husband he didn't do anything or even confront the guy.

Iowa has the most rude drivers....and I'm one of them.

I can remind my husband once a day (I'm not a nag) to turn lights off but he never does. So I have to move around the house flipping light switches off.

I was wearing animal print before it was cool.

Having a DVR has made me spoiled when I watch a TV show live. I keep wanting to fast forward through the commercials. Now I just DVR the show so I can FF through the commercials. I say FF as fuff fuff. I fuff fuff through the commercials.

My first speeding ticket was 12-8-1980, the day John Lennon was shot. I was going 19 miles over the speed limit. Hey, what can I say....I had a 400 engine in my 1972 Galaxie 500!!!  My second and last one was 2-24-1981, the day my niece was due. I was the one going into the labor room with my sister. Her husband was 'sceered'. She ended up showing up on 2-28-1981--the niece that is. Her great grandfather's birthday and I'd also been up for 24 hours by the time she arrived. Nothing like looking up your sister's vagina to see the head crown. Oh yeah....then, when my niece pushed through and the poo dropped to the floor onto the drop cloth, I peered at it and said, 'What's that?" As I said that, it dawned on me what it was. Talk about awkward. My sister didn't realize it though.....she was too busy whimpering because I was a horrible lamaze coach. I was too busy watching.

The episiotomy sounded like a very thick rubber band being cut with scissors.

I never had children.

Not sure if it was because of the psycho mother we had or that sound.

Actually it's because I didn't use to like babies. Now they're okay. But I still don't want one. I love kids though. Kids like me too but I usually end up saying something wrong since I've never had any.

Like the time I was a grocery checker and this mom was going through my line with a toddler in the cart seat. She'd bought some eggs. The store I worked for made us open the carton and make sure there weren't any broken ones. So as I was opening and checking them I said, "Look at the balls your Mom bought!" The Mom says, "No! Don't say that!!" Hmph. Foot in my mouth again.

Then there's the time I gave my 2 year old niece a candy cane and she proceeded to get it all over herself. Oops. I didn't know!! I didn't know!! Bah!

I also cuss around kids. I know. The f word is like an adjective to me. Oops again.

I think I need to get high.

Sigh.